well yeah it’s world war 3. you were expecting this. stop crying–hey, you were expecting this, right? it’s all you ever talk about. what’s the point of talking about it so much if you’re gonna get all–hey. hey.
no no i know. it’s just–i dont know it’s dumb but i had a really good therapy session today and i was feeling optimistic and stuff. no yeah no i know it’s dumb–i already–no i know i said i know. i just mean–i dont know, well so i leveled with her about what’s really wrong. i told her it’s not really that i’m afraid of driving or plane crashes or what i’m gonna do for a living. i’m scared there’s nothing after. we fight and fall in and out of love and scramble and sacrifice and hope and hope and hope and then die and that’s that. and meaninglessness and all that. and the universe being one big terrifying accident. and i’m trying so hard. and i’m noticing everything and recording everything–i mean everything, writing all of it down my whole life–for no reason. i’m atoms aware of themselves, that’s all any of us are. i’m so scared of that. and everything is going insane, everyone is dying and losing their minds at once. i told her that’s how i feel, and my parents are good people, but i can’t drink the kool-aid, and i want to believe my mom when she says everything happens for a reason and i nod and smile because i am so happy she believes in that. i am so happy she has that peace, i would never ever let anyone take that from her so i will never ever tell her what i’m scared i know.
she said who are you reading. i said huh and she was like you like to write, okay, so who are you reading. so i told her i’m mostly into nihilism and existentialism and stuff–it’s been a lot of nietzche and kierkegaard since graduation. and i thought she’d be kind of freaked out or whatever, i dont know, but turns out she was a chemistry and philosophy double major in college, and she started telling me about more optimistic philosophers, and she was saying nihilism is for noncommittal intellectuals, and that it’s easy to look at this big beautiful mess and call everything worthless, but you dont have to, and if you have patience, you can read maslow, and you can start to understand the sparse but undeniable truth of optimism. and i was like ‘whoa, okay, ill look that up. i’ll do anything. i’ll do anything’
anyway at the end of our session–we started off considering medication but by then we had talked about everything from maslow to string theory to reincarnation–she said ‘yeah, your chemical levels are fine. you’re anxious because you’re not stupid. it’s scary to be alive.’
so i came home and read maslow and felt better. i did 200 push ups and thought about the heirarchy of needs and things–futures, ambitions, art art art–seemed possible.
and then marissa called drunk again about turkey, and the world is ending. this is it. the world is ending. i dont know what’s happening yet really–ashley just told me it’s getting bad over there–people are scared. there are low-flying fighter jets. it’s getting bad over there. well yeah it’s world war 3. you were expecting this. stop crying–hey, you were expecting this, right? it’s all you ever talk about. what’s the point of talking about it so much if you’re gonna get all–hey. hey.
i just learned how to maybe be happy but that was no no i know it was dumb. i am sorry for the whole world. i am nervous again. i know it doesnt help to be nervous but i am so so nervous. why does anyone die? i dont know. why does anyone have to die? i dont know. i dont know.
